Lately I've been noticing that Lucas is indeed my kid. I always write him off as Ben's kid since he's so smart and everything, but he's totally my kid, too! I've noticed he's sensitive like me. And he worries like me (Mom, is there lots of gas in the car?)... and he's got my same insecurities. Grrrrreat. Sometimes I can hear myself in his voice when we're trying to get him to do something new and I can totally relate, and it breaks my heart just a little bit.
The thing is, I don't think he's learned it from me, because I really try to be brave in front of him. I think it's just in his blood... So, we need to figure out how to work with that.
Last night I put Lucas to bed and he wanted me to read, Love You Forever. I knew this was a risky book because it's the kind of book that, although a little ridiculous and creepy at times, makes moms cry as they think about their baby growing up. And Lucas was already exhausted and emotional.
I read the book and put it down and Lucas started crying. Saying he didn't want me to die (at the end of the book the mom is old and sick). I assured him that I wasn't going to die, and that even if I did die, Heavenly Father had a plan for us so that we could be together forever, and that everything would be ok. Then he started worrying about going to college. I told him that college was 12 years away, and he could stay close for college if he wanted, and that he didn't have to go away. He told me I needed to go to college with him, so I asked him what I should study, and he said, "Just be my mom!" We talked about how fun college would be, and how he could make his own schedule and take whatever classes he wanted (he was concerned that there wouldn't be Art, PE or Spanish). Lucky for him there are!
Then, he started talking about getting married, and how he wanted to live with us even when he was married. It just went on and on. Eventually Ben heard the crying and came in and assured him that he could stay with us as long as he wanted. Ben fell asleep while I continued to console Lucas. And finally Lucas also fell asleep while I sang him a song.
The experience was so weird for me because I remember having these exact same thoughts when I was little. I remember the devastation I felt at the thought of losing a parent, and the fear of moving away for college. And I specifically remember being sick with croup and worrying that when I was married and got croup, my husband wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't breathe. Because who could possibly be as loving and smart as your mom and dad?
Well, the good news is that my parents raised me so that I could successfully be out on my own (thank goodness for cell phones), and I did find a nice, smart man who won't let me die if I get croup. I hope that I can help Lucas overcome these same fears as he grows up. And maybe someday he won't hate pinatas, and he'll be on swim team, or play soccer. And then eventually he'll get a full scholarship to an awesome college, and then meet an awesome girl. That's the plan for now... because he really can't live with us forever. :)