Saturday, July 23, 2011

Advice for New Moms

I went to a baby shower for my friend today. We were supposed to bring our best advice. I wrote mine on a scroll. Since I have about 101 pregnant friends, I thought I would post my thoughts...
Here it is as best as I can remember (plus some).

* The day you have your baby will be one of the coolest days ever!
* Take your makeup to hospital. You'll want to feel pretty while you're there.
* Lots of people will see your business. You won't care. Use the mirror - it's cool.
* Don't be a wimpy pusher. They'll tell you "push like you're pooping!" Gross, I know.
* Right when he comes out, that's cue for hubby to start snapping pics and taking videos. You'll want to see them and remember all those special moments.
* While Dad is following the baby around while he's being weighed and checked, the doc will be delivering your placenta and maybe stitching you up. You'll be so proud.
* The baby is gonna look a little funny. Don't worry. His head will go back to normal and the nurse will wipe all the goo off.
* When you take pictures in the hospital bed, sit as strait up as possible and stick your chin out to avoid the double chin.
* His first poop will be black and sticky.
* Your first poop will probably be scary (especially if you tore).
* Around Day 2 you might start to feel a little sad. You might cry and cry. It's ok. It's normal, and it only lasts a couple weeks.
* Nurses are awesome. They'll give hugs if you need one and hubby isn't there.
* Steal as many of the fake hospital panties as you can. (Just ask, and the nurses will give you lots). They're sexy ~ fish net!
* Take all the meds for your area, too. Make an epi-foam/tucks sandwich in your fancy fish net underoos.
* Also take the bulb syringe (booger sucker-outer), and little baby brush - they're better than what you buy. And all the diapers, too. You'll need them.
* You might cry when you leave the hospital. It's ok. I did, too.
* After a couple days your boobs are going to be huge. You'll look like a porn star. Take pictures. (Wear a swim suit or something so you don't really become a porn star).
-----A note to the husband: No, you may not touch the boobs. I know they look awesome, but they're not for you anymore. They hurt. And no, you may not touch that either. Try back in 6, no, 8 weeks. Have a nice sabbatical.-----
* Baby penises are cute, unlike their older counterparts (no offense, dudes). Take care of it - Vaseline in a tube is great. Wash with water (no soap) too.
* Doctor's Orders: take two months off. Keep the baby away from creepers. Make people wash their hands if you want them to hold him.
* Let people help you! Whether it be watching the baby so you can sleep, or bringing you dinner. People love to help a new mom.
* Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. BUT, it is the most important job in the world. And the most rewarding job in the world. You can do it!
* You are going to be exhausted. You will think you are never going to get a full night's sleep again, but you will. And you don't even have to wait 18 years. (They just have to be both 2 months and 10 pounds to make it through the night). It will take work, though.
* Don't use baby powder - it goes in their lungs. BUT, you can put it on after sunscreen to avoid sand sticking at the beach.
* You also don't need to buy those fancy bags for dirty diapers. Just use produce bags from the store.
* Diaper cream that comes with an applicator is awesome. BUT, it was my idea 5 years ago and someone stole it, so give me some credit.
* Even if your baby is dressed in blue or green, he will be called a girl. He's just pretty. It's ok.
* If you ever think your baby has been possessed by the devil, he is most likely teething. Try some Tylenol and Baby Orajel. (If it's not teeth, it could be an ear infection or maybe acid reflux).
* Boys are noisy. It's ok - that's why they're so cool. Girls are actually really noisy too, but their squeals are often so high-pitched only dogs can hear them.
* Always have a snack with you. Always.
* Cargo pants may make you look like a granola hippy, but you can put all your stuff in them: phone, keys, 4 packs of fruit snacks, a binky, and a granola bar.
* Practice running in all sorts of shoes on all sorts of terrain. A good place to start is stilettos on grass.
* Remember, you can do it! You're little baby is a gift from Heavenly Father and you will be so blessed from all your hard work. Being a mom is awesome. Welcome to the club.

Time passes so fast. Take every day in and enjoy every moment, even in the middle of the night when you wish you were asleep. There will be a time when you wish your Kindergartner would let you just hold him and rock him. They grow up so fast!


Tara said...

So true about about "your 1st poop"! I will never forget!

Kim said...

That was awesome, Suzy!! I wish I had had this 5 years ago.

Cause I said so... said...

Well done. I think you should publish the list. Oh, and thanks for the diaper cream applicator. Did I ever tell you about how I invented the internet?

jeana said...

Ahhh... Suzanne... I just love you! You are so funny!

Jamie Martin said...

Loved this!